Sunday, February 6, 2005

For the self-righteous: Vow to Quit Meddling By Beth Quinn-Times Herald-Record

I was going to leave the gay marriage issue alone just to save myselfsome grief.
But then I thought, what fun would that be? Somebody's got to irritatethe self-righteous folks who tell the rest of us how to live, and it mightas well be me.
You know who you are, so get your writing implements ready becauseyou'll want to damn me to hell by the time we're done here.
For me, there is one central question in the whole gay marriagecontroversy: What do you care?
What difference does it make in your own life if two gays or lesbiansget married? It simply mystifies me that you feel threatened by this. Whatpossible harm could it do in your personal, little life whether the two guysliving at the end of your block say "I do"?
I keep hearing the same pat answer from your prophets of doom thatallowing homosexuals to marry will "destroy the institution ofmarriage."
Well, I gotta' tell you, a lot of gays and lesbians have been gettingmarried in San Francisco lately, and so far my own institution ofmarriage is doing just fine. I checked. When I heard they were lining up forlicenses, I asked my husband if he felt our marriage was going downhill onaccount of it. He just ignored the question and wanted to know what kind ofperennials I thought we should put in this spring.
I took that as a good sign. Perennials are an investment in the future,so I figure he's sticking around despite what those homosexuals are doing.
So, self-righteous folks, I guess I'm wondering what's wrong with yourown marriages that you feel so threatened by another couple's happiness. Areyou unable to sustain a good sexual relationship knowing that two gayguys are sleeping together in wedded bliss? Are you unable to have anintimate conversation with your spouse because you're distracted by thenotion of two women going off on a honeymoon?
Because if your marriage is that unstable, you should stop worryingabout what others are doing and tend to your own problems before yourdivorce contributes to the decline of the institution of marriage.
I've given this a lot of thought, and I've completely failed to come upwith ways that gay marriage will have an impact on your life. It won'traise your taxes. It won't cause the kid who shovels your driveway toquit.It won't make your laundry dingy. It won't alter the weather. It won'tcause your dog to start passing gas. It won't affect your relationshipwith God. It won't cause you to develop a tumor on your head.
Those of you who would talk about grand concepts like society andinstitutions and pillars and guideposts and moral fibers and whatnot, Isay this is just your excuse for meddling. And history has shown us thatnothing good ever comes of meddling in other people's affairs. Every timeChristians showed up to mess with heathens; for example, we just ended upwith a lot of unhappy heathens with syphilis and smallpox.
Those of you who would point out that the dictionary definition of theword "marriage" involves a man and a woman, let me point out that thedictionary is a living, breathing document that changes as word usagechanges. If you doubt it; look up the word "dot" in a currentedition.
We the people get to decide what's in the dictionary. The dictionarydoesn't get to dictate our societal conventions. Your hair isn't goingto catch on fire if the definition of marriage is eventually changed toread, "two consenting adults" instead of "man and woman."
As for the Bible, which is always the last refuge for those of you whowant to impose your will on us savages; we're not all reading out of thesame book.
More fundamentally, the Bible is not a legal document. If it were, those whofail to love one another would be rounded up and thrown in jail. The prisonbudget would go through the roof what with all the new cells we'd be needingfor the neighbor haters.
I have only this advice to offer those of you who oppose gay marriage:Don't marry a homosexual.
If you're a man and you don't want to marry another man, for crying outloud, stick to your guns! That would be a terrible idea. You'd bemiserable! Same for women. Marry someone of the opposite sex if that'syour personal preference.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some aredull, some have weird names, all are different colors but they all have tolearn to live in the same box.

No comments:

Post a Comment